No, I am not contemplating a religious vocation. Yes, I have long had a sense of calling.
When I was a teenager, before I left the Roman Catholic Church, we had a "Vocation Sunday." This was probably an annual event, for all I can remember. It was one year in particular that stuck with me. I was high school age at the time, and we had a guest speaking give a homily about the need for priests, monks, and nuns, but priests in particular. I sat there looking down uncomfortably, feeling as though he was talking directly to me. In the months after I wrestled with the idea, and felt at some point that I'd come to terms with it. I would be a priest.
Except of course, that's not what happened.
Through my teens I struggled with undiagnosed depression, and a way I had of attempting to resolve it (thinking it were a matter of lacking purpose) was to explore religion. I took a course in Roman Catholicism, but also in Wicca. I studied New Age and Hindu texts, along with the Tao Te Ching and other writings. Then, in the Bible and through religious TV programming, I found faith in Jesus. One thing led to another and I became a Protestant. As such I found a more welcoming way to get into ministry, since as an evangelical clergyperson I would not be expected to remain celibate.
There was another Sunday that was quite potent for me. I was a college student doing a mission internship in Brazil. It was my second Sunday in the country, and as I heard a song during worship about Brazil, I had a strong sense of renewed calling. This time, it was to be a missionary in Brazil. I would go from that point and align my entire life around going to Brazil as a missionary.
Once there I lasted only a few years, though I loved the country. Financial support for the mission didn't seem strong enough. We moved to the United States (by this point I was married with kids) with the intention of raising more support. One year led to another, though, and it never happened. By the time we actually moved as a family back to Brazil, I was a Humanist.
Even as a Humanist I had a sense of calling. I attributed it to a combination of old habits and an innate desire to be of service. Some people are just like this, I guessed. I tried for a time to find my way into Humanist leadership, and despite serving on some boards I never quite felt it was the right fit for me.
Now here I am, between reason and faith, with no desire to forsake the former in favor of the latter. I still have that old sense of calling, but I don't see myself in the priesthood. Frankly, the thought of keeping track of everything I'd have to do in celebrating the mass terrifies me. What does draw me, however, is the possibility of serving others. As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been asked to help lead a youth group. If that comes together, I'll certainly feel as though my calling is being answered with action.
